What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 23:57
She loved him until the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I think the readers, may guess!
Why does a straight man like anal penetration?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was very sick at this time too.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When was you wife swapping fantasy started?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I write beautiful poetry .
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was 9 years of age.
Ive learnt so much.
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But it wasn’t much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It was going to be , some day.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was dying to do it , i knew.
This is soul school!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We were not on the streets..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i lived it daily.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She married twice! .
I waited trembling.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was scared of men, in general
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was in good health!
My family never makes their pension either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But, we were locked up after school.
Comes on , in middle age.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I will be 64.
He knew the spot.
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot live in the past .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Was to survive, this bastard.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When she asked me how she looked .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Who then, do I blame.?
My life is so biszare .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I have no regrets .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So, i spoilt her more .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So whats the point in blame.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I don,t even have a pension.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
All the time i was locked up.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im still living with it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What did i know ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I said to her
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Would this be the day?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We all went to grammer schools
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.